Hope

Once Upon a Time by Hannah Jayne

     Once upon a time I was a 14-year-old girl in a training bra and a spiral perm, screaming my guts out at a one-inch-tall singer in rhinestones and a backward baseball cap. He was a New Kid on the Block, and I was one of 63,000 girls teeming with hormones and Aussie Scrunch Spray, and absolutely certain that he could hear me, would sweep me from my nosebleed seat and fall madly and deeply in love with me. It didn’t matter that I was 14 and cried whenever I spent the weekend away from my family, and he was essentially a grown man.

      It didn’t matter that I was a cheerleader who never missed practice, and he was a performer at the absolute height of his career, who couldn’t leave his hotel room without a hoard of bodyguards who navigated their way through squealing teens with long, prodding fingers and Sharpie markers. I had absolute faith and hope and the fearlessness that comes from naivety and unbridled teenage passion.

     Once upon a time I was a forty-eight-year-old woman with one and a-half breasts and what remained of my ponytail, screaming my guts out at a singer in rhinestones and a backwards baseball cap. He was taller now, six inches at least because I wasn’t 14 anymore and could afford better seats, but he was still a New Kid and the crowd was still full of girls—women now, but still screaming fervently and when he said, “Are you ready to go again?” I screamed along with them because in that moment, I could be hopeful and naïve and fervent too, and I was ready to go again, to have a go at being silly and hopeful and borderline 14.

     “Are you ready to go again?” I’m still 48. The concert is over, though I can still hear the screams, and I blasted the music in my car the whole way here and maybe pretended that I was going on tour with the New Kids, even though I desperately love my husband and cry if I have to leave my baby for two days. My heart was thundering in my throat like I was the one about to go onstage, like I was about to be ogled by thousands of screaming fans instead of one kindly mammogram tech with a sad smile on her face.

     “Are you ready to go again?” Once upon a time I screamed a resounding yes and now I wanted to scream “no, no, I’m not ready to go again. I’ll never be ready to go again” but here it was, possibly, cancer in my lap a second time and the teenage angst and passion, and certainty and naivety was gone, and I so desperately wanted to reach for it again. I so needed to be that hopeful teenager yet again, so I sent a message into the universe, into the ether, to my favorite New Kid in his rhinestones and backward hat, desperate to touch a little bit of that hopeful magic. I waited for the mammogram tech to reconfigure this and scrunch a little of that, swallowing down the lump in my throat until the machine pinged and my phone did, too—praying hands in my in-box, from my favorite New Kid on the Block.  I am hopeful still.

About the Author:   Hannah Jayne decided to be an author in the second grade. She couldn’t spell and had terrible ideas, but she kept at it. Many (many) years—and nearly twenty books, and one breast cancer diagnosis—later, she gets to live her dream and mainly does it in her pajamas. She lives with her rock-star husband, their 8-year-old daughter, and 1 very persnickety cat in the San Francisco Bay Area. She is always on the lookout for a juicy mystery, an exciting story, or a great adventure.  Learn more at https://www.hannah-jayne.com/

A Spark of Creativity

When I was a young reading teacher, I struggled to understand why my student Buddy hated to read. A walking cloud of dust, Buddy usually wore a dirt-colored tee shirt smeared with grease marks from the many oil changes he did after school daily in a local garage. Buddy was in school to collect a diploma, and he desperately wanted it. But if he couldn’t pass the required reading test, he could not graduate. I, too, wanted Buddy to graduate. But I wanted more. I wanted him to discover the magic of books. My curiosity began to gnaw at me. How could I make that happen?

In a spark of creativity my curiosity drove me to write the story of a fictional Buddy, a student who would mirror the inner turmoil of one of my nonreaders. What made him tick? Where did he work? What car did he rev up in parking lot after school each day?  What music was blaring from his radio? What is the cartoon he kept drawing all over his notebook?

Buddy, the character, began to pour out in a short story, “Buddy and Me.” I began to see inside of this imaginary student. Suddenly I had a new understanding of who he was. Destitute. Sometimes hungry.  Taunted by a brash gang of boys in the parking lot. Happy to end his day at a local garage where he changed oil filters in cars because it steadied him and gave him some spending money. Secretly he did read, but his reading was largely limited to Car and Drive magazine. Possibly Garfield cartoon books.

“Buddy and Me” was the first story I ever published in a teen magazine. Of course this is not what is important. In hindsight I see what matters is that my curiosity, sparked by my creativity, drove me forward to research, study, and write the story of a genuine nonreader, and in the process, I came to see the world through the lens of students like the real Buddy. Disadvantaged students who had an uphill battle when they crossed the threshold into any class. In truth, this writing made me a better teacher. Maybe a better person.

What about the real Buddy?  He learned to find main ideas in passages, and he became good at summarizing stories, especially if it was about cars. These skills helped him pass the required reading graduation test.  While I know Buddy graduated, I cannot remember if he finished reading a book.

But thanks to adolescent writers who became big when I was teaching, many of our nonreaders became genuine readers in high school. Like most reading teachers, I read dozens of young adult books in search of the right stories for my students, and my bet is that I probably handed a copy of S. E Hinton’s The Outsiders to Buddy. If I did, I believe he would have liked it. Why?  Because it is a timeless story that was real for Buddy. Like Ponyboy, Buddy came from a parentless family and had a gang of close-knit friends like the Greasers. Like Ponyboy, Buddy’s friends were mocked in the lunchroom and sometimes attacked behind school dumpsters or in parking lots at night by the wealthier kids. And like Ponyboy, Buddy had suffered painful losses. I have never forgotten when Buddy told our class about how his best friend had been shot and killed at a party. Accidently.

In writing this blog, I realize how important my nonreaders were to me. I learned to understand those who struggled with learning. Those who often came to school hungry. Those who came from homes where reading was not a high priority and those who would need to make a living without a degree. Those with one or no parent. I learned to care about their struggle and to respect them. I learned to advocate for public education for all, and I have always voted with them in mind.

Each story, each experience we have makes us. In writing them we have a chance to see what we have learned. Maybe we can even find a bit of understanding or wisdom to carry forward. I am grateful for the sparks of creativity that ignite my writing and for the unexpected learning that often comes of finding our stories.

May your creativity spark your stories.

Finding Meaning

Stories are my passion. Everyone around me knows this. I have long said that humans are story-making beings, but after reading the work of social psychologist Timothy Wilson, I think we are also meaning-making beings. Wilson explains that we develop stories to help us understand ourselves. To make our meaning. To help us find happiness. (See Wilson’s book Redirect.)

 Meaning-making sounds like a messy business, but I found it fascinating to explore through the lens of our stories. I suspect we all have themes or even metaphors that can help us understand ourselves. Can’t we see threads of meaning woven through our lives? One of my threads is clearly cancer. I have had it, but long before I became a survivor, cancer knocked on my door, hoping to be my teacher. This is how that journey began.

At age four I loved playing crazy eights with my eight-year-old neighbor, Sandy. We thought it was funny we had the same name. While my birthday missed the cut-off for starting kindergarten, Sandy didn’t go to school because she had leukemia, and her immune system was weak. At the time nothing about that seemed strange to me. We played cards, enacted life stories with our dolls, and tried to twirl like the ballerinas we wanted to be. We spent whole days together–and then we didn’t. Sandy went back to the hospital, and I don’t believe she ever came out.

I remember my mother talking to me about Sandy dying, and I struggled with what she was saying, and I can’t be sure, but I think I cried. Afterwards I remember going downstairs to our basement that my dad was turning into a playroom with black and white vinyl floors. I tried to twirl as I had often done for Sandy, but it didn’t feel right. My stomach fluttered uneasily so I stopped. Instead, I set out all my dolls. A gesture to honor Sandy, I thought.

Then I began to sing. Loudly.  Now my mother says I was born singing—and off-key. By age four everyone (but me) knew I had no hope of being the Taylor-Swift-type prodigy of my day, but I did know how to make up a song and belt it out into the world with the force of a tornado.

At this time in my vinyl-floored basement, I did exactly that. I sang for Sandy. To tell her I loved her. To tell her I missed her profoundly. For I did. I have no clue what kind of gibberish burst out of me, but what I do know is that I sang with as much heart as Celine Dion used to sing My Heart Will Go On. And as sometimes surprises us, there was this feeling of being heard. Perhaps by Sandy. God knows, I was singing loudly enough that if it is possible, she might have heard—and it felt she did. But eventually I realized my mom was sitting quietly on the basement stairs, tears in her eyes. Then I went and hugged her.

But now, decades later, as I write this, I realize that this was one of my first attempts to make meaning of what was happening in my life. At four, I didn’t write in a journal or consciously reflect on my personal meaning as I do now. But I understood a death had happened and that I needed to find a way to take the pain and make a peace with it. By finding my words and singing, I believe I did.